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Looks like I ve been slacking a LOT on the social education front lately…
This blog haz been totally derailed. So i thought it’s time to get back on track and see what other steps are required in a order to become a social whore *cough* ermm i mean oh fuck it social whore is what i mean. ;p

Of course the first step towards a more full and fulfilled social lief iz the web.
Find every social networking site and make at least 3 profiles on each.
Open at least 5 blogs in which you do nothing other than let the world know how great you are.
If you haz skills you can connect those blogs together and comment / send trackbacks pingballs or whatever the fuck they re called with one or more of your different online personas.
This will give the impression that you are someone who already has an interesting social cycle and exist as a person.

Remember a good web presence is only the first step to actually becoming a REAL person but you need to be careful and make sure that that first step is in the right direction.
Never talk about what you really care for on those 5 blogs.. That is a guaranteed fail.
Instead you need to express opinions on any of the following topics :
Sports, politics, J-Lo’s ass, cars, bikes, dykes, dykes on bikes and bikes on dykes.

Since as a social retard / total nerd you have no idea what any of those things are I will go ahead and give a brief definition of each.

Sports.
Sports is all about watching people who spend their life pumping their body full of steroids and then competing with other people to find out who pumped the most. Pick a random team and support it with passion… No1 really gives a shit what team you support and as long as you support one you re part of the gang and one of the guys…. You re in!

Politics
Politics is all about choosing a side and sticking to it. Fuck free speech and free thinking… You can either be republican or democrat. That’s all there is to it.
If you re republican you like ermmm killing people in the name of god, despise the loss of human life when it comes from abortion, hate gun control, hate fags (even if you are one), dont fuck unless it is to further advance your career or create more republicans, love bbq sauce (in a strictly platonic way), and go to church on Sunday morning after having spent Saturday night masturbating to necrophiliac porn.

If you are a democrat you are a fucking hippie, a baby killer, you smoke weed every minute of every day, are responsible for at least 50 abortions (yes even if you never had sex it’s kinda like a birth right), hate the corporate media (but still thats where you get your news and education from), love fags (helps if you are one), ermmm and other gay stuff involving necrophiliac porn that i cant be bothered with right now.

So pick a side, support with passion in endless pointless conversations and NEVER for ANY reason mention the word Nader unless you re into getting lynched. (And i dont mean watching a david lynch marathon)

J-Lo’s ass
Learn it. Love it. Act like it is the true meaning of life (i wouldnt be surprised if it was) and what gives you reason to wake up in the morning. If you wanna get technical you could demonstrate your knowledge of it by supporting your presentation with an equation or two.

Cars
Its a vehicle
… but it can be soooo much more. Everyone has their favourite car and can talk for hours about it’s technical characteristics and other stuff like that. This is actually a strange social phenomenon probably passed down from generation to generation and i wouldnt be surprised if it involved some kind of conspiracy (at the start of it) of some dissapointed with life car engineers who wanted something to make them feel important so they forced everyone they knew to talk about cars n such.
It’s a fucking vehicle ffs
but yet it’s sooo much more than that ;p

Bikes
Same as cars but more suitable for rebelled teenagers who dont have enough money to buy a car or yuppies going through their middle life crisis.

Dykes
Dykes are a strange species. They can be categorized easily
1) Ugly dyke
They usually go together and their reason for being a dyke is not really that they hate men but more the fact that they cant seem to get one.
2) Ugly dyke
Same as ugly dyke but a little bit more ugly.
3) Ugly dyke
Same as above but even moar ugliest.

Dykes on bikes©
Ermmm you can read more about those here

Bikes on dykes
…The way it should be…

So …
There you have all the information you need and actually are one step closer to becoming a true social entity and the heart of the party. No one will even dare think of you as a boring person anymore. And if they do … kickem in the nuts.
The world is your oyster.

Disclaimer
None of the views or opinnions expressed here are to be credited to the original poster. They are in fact the words of Elvis revealed to me by Margaret Thatcher in the form of a cyborg ninja pirate jesus during an lsd infused microprocessor design lecture.

Being cool

It is obvious that you have to be cool (or fake it) in order to resocialize yourself …

So … do what any cool person would do and …

Read the wiki for it

Lets see :

1) Take a deep breath. Being cool is all about being relaxed and comfortable in any circumstance.

CHECK CHECK AND CHECK

2) Don’t care what others think.You’ll never be able to please everyone, so why bother trying? People have millions of ways to get under your skin. Learn to spot them and become immune.

CHECK

3) Be aware of how people perceive you. This might seem to contradict step 2, but there’s a difference in letting people’s judgments affect your self esteem, and being aware of how you come off to others. What you are really doing is learning how to better perceive yourself. In terms of physical appearance, beware of food getting stuck in your teeth, bad breath, body odour, toilet paper stuck to your shoe, etc. In terms of composure, try not to stare too much (it makes people uncomfortable), stand/sit up straight (it makes you look and feel more confident), smile generously, be polite and considerate, etc.

Check : D

4) Present yourself in a way that makes you feel the most comfortable and confident. Even if people snort about it when you walk by, remember that ultimately like lying on your bed, you’ll feel ten times more uncomfortable wearing something that just isn’t you. Walk with good posture and look people in the eye. If you slump or stare at your feet, people won’t respect you. You have to look and feel confident in order to receive the respect you need.

Checkz0rzzzz!

5) Find real friends. For example, if people don’t hang out with you because you don’t wear designer clothes, they are not real friends. Instead, find friends that see you for who you are. If the people standing in front of you can’t see you for you, then how can they be your friend?

Ignore this crap … Obviously the writer does not wear designer clothes and therefore is in no position to give you advice on how to be cool. But let’s give the benefit of a doubt and see how it goes…

6) Never slam people, or put them down, just because they aren’t as cool as you. It really hurts, especially if you’re on the receiving end. People may think mean people are cool, that’s because they’re scared of them.

Errrrm what can i say … is this a sunday church guide on being cool ? For fucks sake ….

List of cool people

Darth Vader, Marylin Manson, Rambo, Chuck Noris.

List of nice people

Jeebus, Gandhi, Elton John, teletubies.

Do you see a pattern here ?

7) Don’t be afraid to be different, whether that means standing up for yourself, defending someone else, or taking interest in something that no one else does, like playing an instrument or dancing when no one else will. The coolest people are the ones who occasionally break against the tide and make people question the status quo.

Once again … I m starting to have doubts about the validity of this guide…

It’s not every day you meet someone you can talk about how many S&M references can be spotted in the bible…But you will be beaten up for it every day ;p Strike that one out as well … Instead find what is really popular … learn to fake an interest in it… and then promote that interest so that the majority will think you re cool instead of just the guy you buy pot from. And yes people pot will make you cool!!!! And if it doesnt well who gives a shit anyways It’s pot ffs ;p

8 ) Don’t lose your cool. If you feel yourself about to lose your temper, or burst into tears, or lose control in any way, take a deep breath and excuse yourself.

Hmm sounds like good advice… or … find someone who looks like an easy target and beat them up. That could work too

9) Practice your voice. Talk with clear voice and add some bass in it. Remember that the way you speak is equally important as the way you show up yourself. Learn not to ask questions and speak with statements.

Example :

I can haz cheezburger ? <—- Bad

Gief cheezburger or i ll rip your head off and shit down your neck! <—cool (If you recognize where this line is from … you are probably as hopeless as me ;p)

Do Not abuse the talk in statements thingie…

Ok i give up! This guide is lame …

You wont learn how to be cool from this shit.

Actually you wont learn how to be cool period (meaning “.”)

j00 haff bin nurfed bodeh!

Small talk (#1)

Recently i made the decission to start practissing on social skills again…

So I started reading about small talk… the cornerstone of social interaction (and one of my weakest points)

Found THIS LITLE GUIDE

So decided to play with some of the proposed conversation starters …

Heres how it went :

Talking about the weather

• Beautiful day, isn’t it? —It was till you showed up!
• Can you believe all of this rain we’ve been having? — Ya its been raining idiots all day.
• It looks like it’s going to snow. — cool i can make a snowman and have hopes of intelligent conversation again
• It sure would be nice to be in Hawaii right about now. –Yes i wish you were in hawaii too.
• I hear they’re calling for thunderstorms all weekend. — Good I ll get you the coordinates of the epicenter and a buss ticket. Be right back.
• We couldn’t ask for a nicer day, could we? –Errrmm you could not … but i sure could … A day without you would be a major improvement.
• How about this weather? (I have no idea what to respond to this …. )
• Did you order this sunshine? —It depends … is there any chance you would get 3rd degree burns from it ? or alternatively … Do i look like a 3rd class washed out gum chewing 3rd place bimbo of the year coctail waitress ? No? Then dont call me sunshine you stupid f**K!

Talking about current events

• Did you catch the news today? –No!
• Did you hear about that fire on Fourth St? –Yes! I was there when it started but later i found out your house was on 5th.
• What do you think about this transit strike? –It sucks … no chance of you gettin ran over by a train.
• I read in the paper today that the Sears Mall is closing. — Get a new paper …
• I heard on the radio today that they are finally going to start building the new bridge. — All lies. You should know better than to believe the corporate media.
• How about those Reds? Do you think they’re going to win tonight? — (I have no idea how to respond to this either)

At the office

• Looking forward to the weekend? — Or any day that i wont have to put up with you for that matter.
• Have you worked here long? — Obviously not long enough to find a decent hiding place safe from idiots.
• I can’t believe how busy/quiet we are today, can you? — Yes i can… lets keep it that way.
• Has it been a long week? — Yes it has no reason to make it even longer .. Go ..
• You look like you could use a cup of coffee. — Not really there’s plenty other stuff i can throw at you till you go away.
• What do you think of the new computers? — Much better than the new co-workers i can tell you that.

At a social event

• So, how do you know Justin? — I killed his cat … twice.
• Have you tried the cabbage rolls that Sandy made? — Ya saddly i cant decide if i hate sandy or her creation more.
• Are you enjoying yourself? — Do you see a moving hand in my right pocket and a stupid smile on my face?
• It looks like you could use another drink. — Nah but you could sure use a bucket of “get the fuck outa here and leave me alone”
• Pretty nice place, huh? Yes.
• I love your dress. Can I ask where you got it? — 2 possible answers:

1) Is that the best question you can come up with when seeing a dude in a dress?

2) Yes it is a nice dress my pimp makes me wear it every now and then.

Out for a walk

• How old’s your baby? — almost as old as your brain… I dont have a baby.
• What’s your puppy’s name? — Dead puppy?
• The tulips are sure beautiful at this time of year, aren’t they. — It’s probably the collagen injection i had this morning.
• How do you like the new park? –The park is nice … the people that hang out in it tho … thats another story
• Nice day to be outside, isn’t it? –What you were in jail ?

Waiting somewhere

• I didn’t think it would be so busy today. — You think???!!!!
• You look like you’ve got your hands full (with children or goods). — (No idea what to say here)
• The bus must be running late today. — (Yes ?)
• It looks like we are going to be here a while, huh? — (Yes ? )
• I’ll have to remember not to come here on Mondays. — Perfect I ll be here every monday from now on.
• How long have you been waiting? 20 minutes.

Ok this is crap. Joking aside I just realized there is no way in hell i can initiate or take part in one of these conversations…

I r teh doomed.

halllllpppppppp!!!!111oneoneoneone.